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09/15/2005: ""

I know it's past 2 in the morning, but I can't sleep. I tried. All I've been doing is laying there thinking "Damn. That bastard Adrian was right. I am depressed." He brought it up yesterday that I get depressed, and I've been thinking about it, and I am. I was just feeling out of it at first, but now its been bumped up. It's from allot of little things that, bunched together, form one big thing. And Adrian is kind right. I do get depressed, but sometimes it lasts a few hours, a few days, a week, or a month. The longest was about a month and a half. But it was after I was dumped, and alot of bullshit was happening at the time, so it was hard not to be depressed.

1st. Next week is my birthday. I'm going to be 22 and still don't know what I want to do with my life. I know there's tons of people that go through life not knowing what they want to do, but thats them. I don't care about them. I care about me. There's things going on that I don't know which way should I go. For the past few months, its been popping in my head every once in awhile to just join the army or something. I think thats the only place I could apply for and they wouldn't turn down my application no matter what. I've applied many places, but I never get any call backs or anything. My brothers keep asking me when am I going to get a job. I keep telling them "When they hire me."

2nd thing. Of course, being lonely. pretty self explanatory. If I was a chick, I wouldn't want me either.

3rd. I think its from drinking too much lately. I've drank more in the past 2 months, than I have all year, and maybe even last year. I've been thinking of toning down my drinking. I don't want to wind up like my dad. I think thats the reason. My mom always tells me not to drink too much, and she doesn't want me to wind up that way either. I've been thinking of doing an experiment on myself and stop for awhile. But of course it won't be till after my birthday. I'm probably feeling depressed about drinking from when we celebrated G's birthday last saturday. When I got home, I threw up. The next morning I woke up and was still drunk, and I couldn't remember certain parts of the night. I've been blacking out sometimes from drinking allot lately. I don't think thats a good sign.

4th. I guess sitting on my ass in front of this computer is pretty fucking depressing.

5th. My weight. Somebody bought a scale and put it in the bathroom. I weighed myself for the first time in over 5 years. It said I was 190. I thought it would be alot less, but I can't complain, I don't work out and I look skinny. Then I weighed myself again a few days later, it said I weighed 192. Like a week later I weighed my self again, i was down to 190. The other day I weighed myself and it said I was 195. The next day it said 190 again. So either I'm rapidly gaining and loosing weight or that scale is fucking up. I've been skinny for the past few years, it was a welcome change since I was a fat ass kid. After I quit school and sat on my ass for a few years, I actually lost weight. My brothers say its a few good years before the gut comes back. It hits every one of us at different times, and starts from different ways. One brother was a wrestler in high school so he was always working out. Once he was out of school, the gut started growing back. Another brother, would walk everywhere, it was before him or his friends had cars so they had to walk everywhere. A few years ago, it started growing back after he joined the work force and had a kid. Me, I quit school and sat on my ass for a few years, lost the gut and was feeling better about myself. It might be growing or I'm just looking at it too much. One thing I noticed and I told my mom this, is that they all were in sports when they were kids, I wasn't. When I was old enough, my parents said was too expensive. I look at them, they were active kids, now they have the gut. My brothers each say it started when they got in relationships and had kids. They each got lazy and didn't care. I'm the laziest, and I don't care, and I'm the skinny one. I don't know, its depressing thinking about getting my gut back.